Goldilocks and the Three Bears: Death and Porridge (2024)

Wow! Llamageddon was low, Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey was low, but we have a new contender for the badge. This horribly low-budget film is diabolical in every way you could possibly imagine. The acting, the cinematography, (particularly) the sound (which seems was badly dubbed in some scenes but not others), the script, the story - just everything!

It was a bonkers idea by what would appear to be a bunch of students (the actors all have technical job credits too) trying to make a fast buck, I guess, and getting this 82-minute so-called film onto Amazon Prime.

A British group of young people head off for a holiday in the woods in a cottage they have booked but end up in the wrong house - yes, you guessed it, the house belonging to Goldilocks and The Three Bears. Who are actually 4 psychos, one in a cute dress and Goldilocks mask, the others in bear masks. The four of them rock up at the house to take bloody revenge on the intruders, which they do in sadistic fashion. There are a few scenes of (laughable) gore thrown in as they do grizzly (get it?) things to their victims but it's more silly than anything.

I imagine that this group of people have had great fun doing this and hopefully are, as our own Allan Gildea from our Projector Room Podcast would say, seeking an opportunity to create something they can learn from, crap as it may be - and that at least they have got it out there which is tough enough, rather than yes, a rotten cash-grab attempt.

It's so bad that it's worth seeing in order to witness how bad it is, so I'll leave that challenge with you! Actually the best thing about it is the Goldilocks character's actresses stage name - Olga Solo!